June 20, ‘43
My Dearest Mae,
I really don’t know what to say today, here we just got back from a long cruise, all tired, weary and down hearted but all the time we were away, I keep saying to myself, “I’ll bet I’ll have four or five letters from my family as soon as we get back to base.’ But lo and behold we tie up and bring back to big packs of mail. When it is all passed out what do I get? One letter and that was from my Sis. I can’t understand it Honey, have you stopped writing to me altogether? I thought maybe the mail situation has gone bad but I’m being convinced that the mail has been coming if the party at the other end would only write.
Last month the only letters I receive from you were of the 9th and the 30th, none so far this month. Now Honey, is that being fair? Was there something in my letters that made you mad? Speak up, don’t just keep me in the dark. Write, send me off, do something but do let me know what’s what.
Here I’ve been trying to keep up my spirits, knowing that you are behind me and belie in me, hoping for the day I can make myself worthy but now I’m all disappointed and don’t know what to think or do now. Something has happened and you won’t let me know what it is.
Being away as long as I have, you no doubt have all interest in me. I’ve been trying to keep it up by my writing till I get back but it seems that you just can’t hold out that long. If I failed by my writing and your losing your faith in me, then there is very little hope left for me to plan any farther. Remember when I said ‘When I made some plans something always happens’? Something tells me this is my biggest disappointment.
No I won’t blame you. After all you’re human and know what you want and who you want. If I didn’t come up to your qualifications well that come under the heading “Profit + Loss” Profit by experiences and Loss of the sweetest girl I’ve known.
Honey, I’m asking you again, what have I done to you? Won’t you please give me some kind of answer?
All the time I’ve been down here, life hasn’t been very pleasant, of course, you wouldn’t know what its like till you go through it, words can’t express it, but the thoughts were always the same. Someday I’m going back to something worth while. The thought of you, alone, have kept up my courage to go on ahead. Go! Go on to something big. Well my feelings at the present are so low that I don’t care whether or not things head for the better or worse, surely the can’t go any worse that they have.
Just what is there to go back to? They might as well keep me here for the duration, much as I detest the sight of this place.
Remember Honey, you yourself promised me that you would always write till I told you to stop. Or did you just mean you would write just for a month? As far as I know, I haven’t said in any of my letters for you to stop writing. Is that the kind of a promise you keep?
You don’t know how much it hurts me to write this letter bit if you have found somebody else and you are satisfied, then I will no longer hold you back. But whatever you do Darling, I want you to know that my love for you has never ceased. You have taken my heart, now, do whatever you want with it.
In closing please give my love to mom. Until I receive an answer your thought will always be with me.
Lots of Love As Always,
Paul
Mr. Paul Kolaida Rm 20
U.S.S. Rush C.G.
% Fleet Pacific – Navy 154