April 15,1945

Dear Father,

Tonight, after talking to you, I had many funny feelings. First off, both of us realize that for both of us it will be a long time before we again talk to each other. It is slightly possible that we may never again speak. Such rests with God, both of us know. I don’t know what the story with Mother’s condition may be, but I have an idea that she has walked her last for a long time.

You and I, during the past few years, have had some stormy times. I doubt if we even will agree what the exact cause has been. Probably it is because we are so much alike. In a blunt statement perhaps you could say that both are highly independent taking the idea that whoever want to buck either takes his life in his hands. For my part I have always had the body strength and have been lacking enough in sense to be willing to push something down the old boy’s throat. For you it has been a different story because you have had to rely on thought or perhaps that sort of tactics has come with the wisdom of age. Well so much for that. Perhaps you never have fully realized what I was fighting for. From the day I was born I was in a hole in as much as I was an only child. An added fact was your continual watchfulness lest I stub my toe. You perhaps never realized that I wanted to find these things out for myself. All the way I was fighting for a chance to do my own fighting. I have never been sure what your goal was. Sometimes I wonder whether by various Spartan tactics you figured to make me strong, strong mentally in preference to physically. Needless to say many of those days that I worked in Lynn, I was pretty pissed off. Probably the day that really killed Lincoln was Washington’s Birthday of 1943. All that fall I had been stalling off a Smith girl hoping for a chance to go to Northampton for a weekend. Well that day she got eager and came to Boston. Needless to say that kitchen in the house represents much blood in my life. That is water under the bridge. In short I got a royal screwing and didn’t enjoy it as you can realize. The spring before I had been caught in a rough deal through which another nicely worked out scheme went by the boards when I was forced to stand up a Wellesley girl. Bother I have had troubles and I do mean troubles. Do you now doubt that I have had plenty of cause to be disgusted and unhappy. Those first 3 months in the Army went a long way to causing me to decide that if I wanted to be a part of the world I would have to do some work. To some extent that work has been done. I could go on all night setting down some of those facts. The process of getting the squelched out of me at home did a fine job of building up an inferior complex. That has been one of the first things that I had to over come. At times it reoccurs but it is dying out because I have found that I have feet of my own and can think for myself. Socially I am definitely in the minor leagues but with time and the Grace of God such can be beaten too. It is to be a long road no doubt but then again the fields may turn up unexpectedly. That palm from Ranger will always be a symbol of that hope in the future.

The future is something else to wonder at. Financially God only knows. Just as soon as I got out of college I came to the Army. The Army has been thus far my only employer. However with new demands on me outside of the expense of furloughs I have been thrifty as can be. I have no accurate way of figuring how much I have put aside. I would estimate that it has been in excess of $1000 probably in the neighborhood of $1200. Now with the overseas pay coming I have made allotments of $60 out of the $78. I rather hurt this month in view of the fact that we were to have been gone now two months but I have been able to take details pretty thoroughly this month. In fact one week I did not sleep in my own bed at all but elsewhere as C.L. I have kept clear of the War Bonds as things to be handled with great care lest they freeze in later years, you might say that a single share of Cooperative paid up is the most frigid asset I have and it needs but 30 days to thaw out.

So much for my ramblings to night. There are many thoughts, which I would prefer to say rather than write because often the written word may be taken in two ways. The above ideas may lead to trouble but I don’t think so.

I believe that we are to go Thursday at 2:30 pm. I will each day write a letter, many of them will be slightly neutral but they will tell that I am still here and when they stop I have left Swift. I will carry on the same scheme at port, which is rumored to be Fort Lawton at Seattle, Washington. I will carry on the same scheme of dates [there?]. I believe that the Philippines are the stop. You recall Sgt Murry, the old Master Sgt who befriended me so long in the battalion. It took him 8 weeks to get from Seattle to the Philippines so I may be silent for as long a period. Once there, I will start writing. Remember also the code using first letters in sentences determined by subtracting the number of the month from 20 and the frequency of the words in the same sentence by subtracting the number of the day from 20. The tip off will be a frequent mention of Harvard.

That is that for a while I reckon.

John